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As a mother of children, I am often accorded a status shy of sainthood. "Just how do you do it?" Buddies ask, with that mixture of amazement and shame that single mothers seems to evoke. I sigh deeply and murmur bravely, "You do what you have to do." There's no question that single mothers face problems, not the least of which is financial hardship.

There's no question that children miss the parent who is unfamiliar with them. If you've got children, being married is undoubtedly better - but not at any cost. Being a mother is infinitely preferable to living in a bad marriage, and it has some things worth celebrating.

Theoretically, the workload necessary to raise children alone should be twice as significant as when two parents are present. The energy it takes to contend over who does what could be far more draining than the task itself. Consider all the time and effort that goes into figuring out a system of sharing errands, nagging your partner to fulfill his part of the bargain, resenting him for not doing this, and then figuring out a system that likely will not work either. When I call out, "Bedtime," there's no one to say, "Aw, make them stay up another half hour." It's a large responsibility to make all the decisions yourself, but decision making is a responsibility whether you're single or married.

When you're single, you understand how enormous your bill is and you take it seriously because you know there isn't anyone else around to defer to. As a parent, you are free to gratify those little idiosyncrasies that you attempt to rein in when you live with someone else. After years of tenuously maintained compromise, then you get to do what you need when you desire. Until I started sharing custody of the children, I never knew the bliss of an afternoon - never mind a whole weekend - alone in my apartment. Just imagine: every other weekend on your own, on your own residence.

You don't even have to get out of bed if you don't wish to - except to replenish this source of Snickers. I'm imagining that the children are better off than if they had spent these years listening to Mother and Dad exchanging words or, worse, engulfed by icy silence or crackling resentment. I will not kid you - or myself - by stating divorce is easy on them, however maybe the experience has taught them some valuable life lessons. I have discovered that my children are more capable, more observant, and more than most of their buddies who live in two-parent families.

One reason behind this, I believe, is that they have greater responsibility - to themselves, to each other, such as the family. They realize that if they need more than the meager allowance I provide them, they need to organize baby-sitting or even dog-walking jobs to earn money. Sure, they got their share of problems, but the point is, they don't have more than their share. I am already different by virtue of being a mother, so what do I risk by not conforming to relatively immaterial traditions? As an example, I could look you right in the eye and say, "Yes, after dinner, I bathe and groom them in their sweats for the following day and put them to bed again.

When they get up, all I have to do is place shoes and socks on them. You got a problem with that?" Is my living area untidy? I'm a single mother; I've got better things to do. Can I late for church? Well, you know - that I have to get three children ready, all on my own. Reprinted with permission from the May 2002 issue of Parents magazine.

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